January 08, 2009

a found lost

i found a rather eerie picture of myself at 19. it appeared through an email from a past internet self.

i feel that the look in my eyes can only truly be described through part of Jane Kenyon's "Having it out with melancholy:"

 8  CREDO   
Pharmaceutical wonders are at work  
but I believe only in this moment  
of well-being. Unholy ghost, 
you are certain to come again.   

Coarse, mean, you'll put your feet  
on the coffee table, lean back,  
and turn me into someone who can't  
take the trouble to speak; someone  
who can't sleep, or who does nothing  
but sleep; can't read, or call  
for an appointment for help.   

There is nothing I can do  
against your coming.  

When I awake, I am still with thee.

today i remember that look, i remember that feeling, and even though it has been years since my last major bout of depression, i still find myself fearing the worst. i was always watching, waiting, and almost welcoming it back like an old friend. today however, i have come to realize that if it does return, i can handle it. i can get through it just like every other time. in the past i used to get paralyzed by my fear of its return and it wasn't until i began to trust the ebb and flow of life that i finally allowed myself to breathe.


Cinda said...

Hey, Linea, I know I am your biased mom, but this is absolutely beautiful and sad. My body remembers those times. As usual, amazing. xox

Frank said...

Hi Linea--
Your photographs are beautiful. They remind me very much of those of Hilary , the daughter of a good friend of mine (and Bridget) who lives in Portland. She is about your age, very creative and courageous. Actually, I think you would be friends, and if you are interested, I could introduce you. Your recent blog post promted that thought. You have some special gifts--you are an artist--a writer, a photographer, and a musician. You have so many ways of not only expressing yourself (as an outlet) but also connecting to others--communicating something meaningful to so many others. Remember that we are all struggling with something--everyone has challenges. It is uplifting to read your observations of the beauty you see around you, even in that which others might consider ugly, and to see how you capture the beauty of nature, and windows and people in your photographs. There is a notion that you get more of what you look for. I think that is true--in fact, I know it is true. You are looking for good and for balance and for beauty--you are looking for these things even as they transcend understanding. You are connecting and making a difference. Keep on showing us how to look for good.